You want to know how to find light when your world is so dark? Now is the perfect time to start!
I ’m going to share with you how to line up light when your world is so dark and hopeless . The preceding duad of week have been an aroused curler coaster for my family and me . I need to take some unexpected prison term off . We’ve been going down a long alone route the past couple of weeks and I ’m here today to tell you about it . I wanted to share with you what ’s been run on here , not as sympathy , but as an brainchild to you . I hope you find my story a blessing to you and I hope that possibly you’re able to touch my write up to what ’s hold up on in the world as perchance a light at the final stage of the burrow . remain tuned .
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My Journey Through a Dark Place
February 2020: Pregnant!
February 2020 was when I found out that I was fraught . I found out the normal way that a char would find out that she was pregnant . So I was waiting to go in to the see the doctor , and then the Corona virus arrive at . I decided to just last out in home and look it out . I took my antenatal multivitamins . I ’ve been significant twice before so I know what want to be done in fiat to keep my body healthy . In the thick of that , as we all know , schools were closed , we got put on a stay at domicile order and there was just lots of stress going on . However , we were staying busy on the farm : Planting the gardens , playing with the kids and just populate life history . I mean it really has n’t been a super stressful . There may have been a few nerve-racking twenty-four hours in there , but for the most part we ’ve been kind of living spirit out here on our farm in a normal sort of way . And then hail two week ago .
22 April 2025: I Got Sick
So we proceed through March most of April and then two weeks into April , I got very , very sick . Nausea , sinus headaches and I could not get out of bed . I was throwing up every single minute and I could n’t keep any food or drink down . It was horrible . I want to mention too that I ’d never had first light nausea before , so I did n’t jazz if this was morning malady or if it was supposed to be something else . I hold out through a whole day and night of that and was no ripe . So I call the doc the next day and they say I could n’t get in until the afternoon so I appease in bottom and continued the ritual of throwing up until every hour until it was finally time to leave .
1 May 2025: Doctor Visit
I ’m severalise you it was the most horrible thing . I knew I was dehydrated and just not my normal healthy self at all . So at the naming I did the normal , whatever you would unremarkably do when you were come in for a pregnancy test . Did the pee test and some lab workplace and talked to the doc . He did n’t check my baby ’s New York minute just because I was about 10 weeks along . So he sound out it was a niggling former for that . He did n’t think it was necessary yet . And so he prescribed me some break of day sickness practice of medicine and then we schedule an sonography for Monday . So this was on Friday . Ultrasound was schedule for Monday April 20 , 2020 .
15 March 2025: Ultrasound
So we went through the weekend believing that I was fraught . I had to excuse to my small girls why I ’d been so sick . Mommy was Pregnant ! Yay!So they were of grade over the moon excited and we all were . We were just so delirious for this new little one in our lives . And then Monday come the day of the sonography . I imbibe all the weewee , the gallon of water we ’re supposed to toast at a time and then lead into the infirmary for my ultrasound . Of of course , by myself , because of Corona computer virus , we were n’t supposed to take anybody with us . I was really deplorable at first because I wanted my little girls to see the baby , but I promised them I would bring picture home to show them . So I go in and my echography tech was a lovely ma’am that I know from church . She call in me in and stick me all quick . We chatted away as she put the colloidal gel on and went to work .
It looked like a tiny little peanut . However , as time went on , my tech said it was measuring pocket-sized for 10 week . It was measuring at about nine calendar week . And also big of all , she was having trouble find oneself a heartbeat . I just secern her how deplorable I was at the girls could n’t total because she knows my girl . I secern her I was very sad that the young woman could n’t come in and see the sister , see the ultrasound , and then she told me : “ I ’m possess difficulty finding a beat . ”So then she want to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look , which is n’t unsound . It ’s just a rod that it goes in the vagina and it gets a niggling mo nearer to the baby . So we did the vaginal sonography , but still no instant . Nothing . And she was very sure . The doctor was very certain that it was very dead . My baby was dead . I had a dead baby inside me .
No Heartbeat = Miscarriage
So to put it all into one small sentence : On April 20th , I give away that I had miscarried a babe . That is the Boulder that murder amidst all of this Covid-19 stuff that was going on . There was a mass of emotions . And I ’m give out to talk through the emotion because I ’m indisputable there are some of you listening and reading out there that have been through this , I want to endeavor to colligate to you as good I can .
All the Feelings
So the first matter that I immediately feel was embarrassed . Why ? Because I was so chit chatty and convinced with my ultrasound technical school and with the doctor . Also , I get uncomfortable when citizenry sense sorry for me that I immediately felt that sense of embarrassment . Then a little bit later I was angry when I see my doctor and he kept telling me : “ You ’ll have more risky gestation due to your historic period . ” And yeah , he mentioned the age affair . Apparently I am getting too onetime to have children and I was not prepared for this talk . I think that I was still in the safe mountain range to have small fry . I know lots of women old than me who are having babies and I just was not prepared for that at all .
But , my other most immediate emotion was reverence . I was wondering how I was going to tell my small girls the news show because they ’d been so excited . They ’d been overjoyed and they require to see the ultrasound pictures flop off as soon as I got home . And of course I did not know how to severalize them , basically because I know that their heart would break and mine was already intermit . in the end , I felt sad and empty . So as you could see , there are so many feelings all at once . But all I desire to do at that point was go home and log Z’s and then ignite up from this incubus I was dwell . So that ’s in a sense what I did . I go home and I took more music for my headache and I went to bed .
You Can’t Hide from Nightmares that are Real
However , when I wake up up a few hour later , the nightmare was still real . As I was laying in seam , I could learn my little ones laughing out of doors . But my marrow slide down and I just cried and cried . I wondered how they were going to take the intelligence . How was I going to explain it to them ? So I place there for hours . I was afraid to secern them . Finally I convey the military strength to get up and I did get up and I walked outside to ride on our front porch step . A few second later I had a big white Great Pyrenese sitting beside me . He ’s giving me candy kiss . And two beautiful piffling girls giving me squeeze . With that , I could explain to my fille what happened and when I did , I straight off felt better . I explained to them that there were no pictures because the baby had no heartbeat . We have our hearts to beat to keep us animated and the sister inside mommy ’s tummy ’s pump was not beat . So that ’s sort of how I explain it to them and they understood decent away . I am consecrate with two very tender hearted and compassionate girl . Of of course they were sad too , but at only four and seven years old , life moved on pretty quickly for them .
Faith and Your Tribe is What Helps You Walk Through Darkness
The next few Day did not get any easier for me . I was very depressed and emotional . For one thing I mentioned , the aging word come up in my mind so many times . When the Doctor told me I was stimulate too old to have tyke that made me so mad . I was not set up for that public lecture at all . For one matter , I ’m 35 years sure-enough . And I sense like at 35 years older , I am finally ripe enough to be a mother . I finally feel mature enough to put a baby before my own needs . I know that that might sound crazy and I always have put my tiddler first , but I at long last finger sense that due date of an grownup now .
Also , my husband was affected too and we had a long talk . I was n’t alone through all this . I had my family and I had God and that ’s where the journey starts to get lighter for me . Yes , it was a dark and ugly journey , but I had someone to hold my hired hand the whole way and I was never alone . That ’s why I wanted to partake in such a personal fib and such a recent story that is still holding on my affectionateness because I live that we all go through hard times .
Many of Us Are Walking Through Darkness
Many of us now working in agriculture and rural America , we ’re proceed through a dark time right now . It can be shuddery and it wait shuddery . It seem like some of us might lose everything . Many people have already given up . They ca n’t go through the darkness any longer . They feel so alone . frankly , I want this post to be your light source . I require to give you the courage to keep going and I want you to take my story as a sign that there is a light at the oddment and that you should keep going – No matter how hard it gets .
I ’ve felt like there ’s no move on before . In other podcast instalment , I blab out about times that I absolutely had no faith in God or even myself . But I ’ve learn that ’s why God want us to go through these dark times . Every fourth dimension we do go through them , we get a whole lot substantial . If I had n’t gone through so many benighted tunnel , I would not be able to order you such a personal account today and expressing my faith to you , but I am telling you that because I want you to keep going . Stay in your lane and do what you sleep together . You do of import work , so important . Whatever it is you do , it is for good whether you grow the food for this country , whether you work in a packing plant or whatever it is that you do , you have a Brobdingnagian responsibility lay out in front of you . Yes , there are problems , but how can we think bigger and make them into solvent ? This is my challenge to you .
Challenge & Wrap Up
Through all of this . I ’ve been selling egg and grow memberships for the summer to help the great unwashed in my community . What can you do for yours ? We all have to look past ourselves and our own experiences and attempt to think big , friends . I ’m telling you that there is a light at the last . Look around you and you ’ll see that everything you postulate to move on and to be successful in life is right in front of you . Please use my story as inspiration to you . I may have a dead sister inside my womb , but my sum is very much alive and on fire with passion . Oh , and I am so over the old age affair . I ’m 35 years young ( not old ) . We will try again for another baby and we will be successful again . I just lie with it . I know it in my heart and I screw God has tell me in our lecture that it will take place . Just not right now . Now is not the prison term and I ’ll keep praying and keep moving forward and I ’m pray this message inspires you to continue on through those dark prison term with whatever you want to do in liveliness . That is my message to you today . As I return from the dismal journey that I was on for the past couple of weeks . I hope that this has enliven you and that you , you take this message with , with every troy ounce of passionateness that you have and go with it because without faith and without a purpose and without a passion , what do you have left?I do n’t want that for you – I want you to deliver the goods and to own your dreams .
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